How To Kill Self Hatred – Freedomain Call In

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I’m a 23 year old female – my father was largely gone throughout my childhood except for a 3 month period or so when I was around 6, where me and my siblings begged him to be sent away again.

I have 1 full sibling, and 2 half-siblings from my moms side and 2 from my dads. I’ve moved about 17 times throughout my life, about the same as I’ve changed schools.

Worst “sexual” experiences I had through my life was when I was around 4 and I was taken care of by a friend of my moms who had a husband coming from South America who forced me to kiss him, being groped below by a fellow classmate when I was 9, and then when I was 15 I had another encounter with a South American social worker who started touching my hands and telling me I was beautiful and he started talking about selling sex. They are in order of feeling most terrible at first..

I’m probably between a 8-9, possibly 10 if one likes women with longer faces, I’ve always taken care of my body so its been a constant hourglass figure with the exception of now that I’ve been pregnant and had a very difficult time in general.

During my later years of school I got viewed as sort of a sex object with men with girlfriends staring and flirting from afar, making sexual gestures, trying to impress me on mopeds etc and yet I haven’t had a single approach of friendship or even courtship since 12. I only caught my boyfriend from the internet, where I had to be very aggressive.

My social life has been solely on the internet from age 12, and now I struggle with “game addiction” but not because I like the game, but because I know how to do it, and I dont know how to do anything else. My mind is so easily demotivated.

I have big dreams of saving the world and being a mother of 10 children who all share my dream of helping people, and can help others like I’ve helped my boyfriend to become a person who can better take care of himself, and therefore in a way others. But right now I’m struggling so hard with childcare and toddlerhood I’m so lost and disappointed in myself.

I’ve always been a very practical person (except in actual worldly action) and I see myself often only bringing misery to this world, and have considered suicide…. I won’t fail if I try for real, probably. My family ofc don’t think that’s an option, but at the same time they cannot help me hone any skills that I’m good at, or make use of them, and I need that help because I cannot choose for myself, I’m so demotivated all the time, I don’t know if it’s because I’m hyper intelligent so I cannot think of something specific, but I need to think of every single angle something could possibly be viewed which stops me from actually taking a choice because I have no experience… I need guidance so bad, I want so much good but I cannot bring myself to do anything, I’m so useless I’m wallowing in self pity this last year I’ve had my daughter.

Please help me choose what is important and how to achieve it. Please if you read this, at least send me a dot or smiley or anything…

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